Gravity War Chronicles
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: Queen Wendy was told she needed to marry a human male to save her realm. So she did. Now she's told that same male must be the one to save them all. Now she's wishing she actually put more of an effort into it, instead of just grabbing the first "male" she saw. Post- "The Love God". AU!
1. Chapter 1

Gravity war chronicles

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

Dipper was tired. He'd been up all night saving Mabel from an angry mob at

that "Woodstick" festival. He hadn't gotten all the details yet...apparently

Mabel did something with a "love God"...and matchmaking...and a

"snager"...well, whatever...he'd figure it out later. Right now he just wanted to

relax...Sadly for dipper, destiny had other ideas...

**ZAP!**

Suddenly, a tear in space opened to reveal the most beautiful girl that dipper

had ever seen. The red haired girl gave dipper a quick calculating look. "Your a

human male, right?" Asked the girl suddenly. Dipper snapped out of it and

looked confused. Wha- I guess? Stated dipper still a little drowsy. The girl

nodded. "Great, will you marry me?" She said flatly. Dippers eyes practically

popped out of his head. "I-Who- Wha-" Babbled dipper. "Do you want to marry

me? Yes or no!?" Snapped the girl irritably. Dipper was flustered and

confused. I- Wha- Okay, what are- The girl quickly turned around and shouted

at the portal. "He said okay!" shouted the girl. She then grabbed and dragged

dipper into the portal. Dipper began to panic. "Wait! That's not what I-" "Don't

care!" Snapped the girl flatly. And then they were gone...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

**AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. **

**But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

**Also don't forget to give a shout out to my mom's birthday story on my page!**

**Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

**Gravity War Chronicles Ch. 2**

**I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!**  
**...**

Mable and Grunkle Stan gaped at where Dipper was just whisked away by a strange girl into a portal.

"Wait, what? What just happened here!?" Shouted a panicky Mable. "Okay, calm down Mable just calm down!" Shouted Stan trying to comfort her. "We've been through a LOT of weird stuff, we can figure this out-

**ZAP!**

-Or you can just let me explain things." Said an old man as he stepped out of the new portal. Stan's eyes widen. "Alan? Alan Fogarty?" Asked Stan in disbelief to his old Colombian cellmate...

...

"So you find a little fairy in your garden, turns out he's a prince and now your a gatekeeper?" Asked Soos confused.

Alan smirked as he led the mystery Shack gang through the palace halls. "Uh...close enough." he stated evenly.

"I don't care about that! Just tell me where Dipper is! And why you jerks snatched him!" Shouted Mable.

Alan sighed. "Yes...sorry about that, Princess Wendy is impatient...and for good reason. If she doesn't marry soon her kingdom will be taken from her-

"Whoa! Whoa! Back it up their chief!" Stan snapped. "How about you go back to the actual beginning?" He asked impatiently.

Alan nodded. "Right, it all started when the Demon lord Beleth killed Wendy's father and kidnapped her brother. And threatened to kill him, if Wendy didn't marry him. Wendy married him...then killed him. Thus making her queen of the demons...unfortunately, Beleth had the foresight to cast two postmortem curses; one that would kill the prince and one that would kill any Fairy or demon that tries to marry Wendy."

"Wow...that's sad." Admitted Mable...but what's that have to do with Dipper?"

Alan; having paused only to take a drink, continued. "Well, Fairy society is very sexist. It's forbidden for an unmarried woman to rule the land-

"FEMMA REVOLUTION!" Shouted Mable as she burnt her Bra and waved a pitchfork around threateningly...she was immediately dog pilled and beaten up by palace guards...

...one hasty bailing out from the dungeon...

"Sorry about that, the lads are on edge." Apologized Alan. "Anyway Lord Black Hairstreak is questioning Wendy's legitimacy and insisting the thrown goes to his nephew Comma...which really just means Hairstreak will become ruler since Coma is not yet of age, he'll rule by proxy."

"Wait, I get it now... Dipper isn't a Fairy or a Demon...so the curse won't work on him!" Realized Stan suddenly.

Alan smirked. "Yes...admittedly it's not the most ideal of situations...but as long as Wendy is married to a male- Any male really, her rule will be secured."

Stan snorted. "And you just happened to pick my nephew?" He asked skeptically. Alan smiled. "I saw it as a good opportunity to finally settle my debt with you..so without the princesses knowledge...I made the random portal location...anything but random..." He admitted.

Stan chuckles. "You seriously think this'll make us square for me saving your bacon in Columbia."

"Seeing how I've made sure your family is more or less marrying up into the wealthiest and most influential monarch in two worlds...yes, yes I do."

"Meh, good enough for me." Said a disinterested Stan. "So...do we get cake?"

Alan shakes his head, "The two were married the instant Dipper said 'okay'- the priest quickly did the majority of the ceremony before we even opened the portal..all that's left is to 'consummate' the relationship, and it'll be official."

"WOO-WHO! MY BOY'S BECOMING A MAN!" Exclaims Stan as Mable vomits...

...Meanwhile...

"Wait, I'm still a bit confused on what's happening- "TALK LATER! SAVE MY PEOPLE FROM TYRANNICAL OPPRESSION NOW!" Shouts Wendy as she pounces on him and obliterates his clothes...

...  
TO BE CONTINUED?

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	3. Chapter 3

**Gravity War Chronicles ch.3**

**I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!**

...

The huge party celebrating Purple Empress Wendy's marriage(and complete legitimization of her rule) was in full swing. Mable was using a cootie catcher to tell fortunes, Soos was impressing some guys with his ability to touch his tongue to his elbow, Stan and Alan were catching up, and Dipper...Dipper was trying to make sense of what the blood just happened...

He approached Wendy cautiously. "Uh...hey wife-Empress-Queen-girl...okay, how exactly am I supposed to address you?" He asked awkwardly.

Wendy giggled. "Just Wendy is fine...actually now that we have a sec- I'd like to apologize for how rough I was with you; kidnapping you, tricking you into marriage, taking your virginity, etc. I was in a rush, my people were counting on me."

Dipper flustered. "Oh, no that's cool- It was...cool- were cool..."

There was a long awkward silence...

Dipper coughs nervously. "Sooooo...what happens now?" Wendy smiled. "Do whatever you want, your main job in this is done. I'll wait a couple years before your 'mature' enough to produce semen so we can produce an heir...but aside form that...you and your family can just kick back and relax and enjoy the luxury of the palace while I take care of the kingdom."

"Oh...okay then, if- if you say so." Said Dipper, not sure what else to say on that. "But...I was kinda talking about...you know...'us'...what happens between us?"

Wendy sighs. "Dipper, I literally forced you into this- You owe me nothing. You want to have an affair with a bunch of other girls, go for it. It's not unprecedented for a ruler to have mistresses."

Dipper blanches at that. "What?...but...that doesn't- That doesn't sound right! Were a couple now...shouldn't we go on dates...or at least get to know each other better?" Asked Dipper confused.

Wendy giggled and playfully ruffled his hair. "Look Dipper...your a cute kid and you seem nice- And who knows? Under different circumstances I might've been willing to try something with you...but I'm not interested in having a relationship right now...Right now I'm interested in finally bringing down the monster that's tormented and attempted to usurp my family since I was little." Wendy said that last part darkly as she thought of Hairstreak.

Dipper bristled at the 'kid' part. It had happened to him enough times that he knew when some was trying to just 'reassure the silly little kid who was trying to act like a grownup' and Wendy(although doing a good job being nice) was doing this now to a T.

"Well...maybe I could help you with that then!"

Wendy burst out laughing, then quickly got it back under control. "I'm sorry...(snort) Oh, mercy. Thank you Dipper...I needed that." And with that she walks away...leaving an irritated Dipper behind.

"It's not that unlikely a prospect..." Said an annoyed Dipper out loud...

...later that night...

Dipper tossed and turned in his new giant bed...Wendy wasn't there...she was too busy making preparations for a war against the Faerie of the Night and Hairstreak...He'd tried to talk to his family about the situation; his Grunkle Stan thought he had a sweet deal going and just be happy for what he's got. Mable was planning on organizing a date between him and Wendy...but since Wendy kept rebuffing her, he wasn't holding his breath.

_Well Dipper, you have an amazing girl in your life who doesn't really respect or think much of you...what are you going to do?_ He thought to himself...

"What I always do." He said out loud as he got out of bed...and headed to the Royal library...and many long, sleepless nights...

…...  
TO BE CONTINUED?

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	4. Chapter 4

**Gravity War Chronicles ch.4**

**I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!**

…...

Alan sighed as he looked at the reports. "Well, it's official: Hairstreak knows were gearing up for war and he's had the Faeries of the Night do likewise." He reported to Wendy sadly

Wendy groaned. On top of everything they didn't even have the element of surprise anymore! This was why she'd wanted to declare war as quickly as possible! Unfortunately, the lords, ladies, Church, and oracles were dragging their feet! Deliberately slowing down mobilization to get bribes to speed things up!

The Painted Lady also looked grim. "I'm afraid it only gets worse." She handed her another report. "My agents did a secret survey...after that close call with Beleth and death of most of the royal family...none of our subjects are in the mood for war...you'd have to forcibly conscript them to get our numbers high enough to match Hairstreak-

"Which would make me unpopular, and give Hairstreak plenty of opportunities to turn my own people against me." Snarled Wendy. She turns to back to Alan. "What about concretely proving that Hairstreak was responsible for killing my family?" If she could do that, it would get the international community on her side, and the church would be 'morally'(and legally) bound to support the war(Better yet, the support would be free).

Alan shook his head. "Not only did Hairstreak cover his tracks too well, but ironically Beleth double crossing him at the last second to marry instead of killing you actually made him appear MORE innocent to the general population."

-Which in turn will make the war even more unpopular ." Finished Wendy with a groan. She turned back to the Painted Lady. "I don't suppose I can just use my new demon army to bolster our ranks." The Painted Lady sighed. "You COULD, and it WOULD give us the numerical advantage..."

Wendy went ahead and asked. "But?"

The Painted Lady shook her head. "The Faerie of the night know far more about Demons than us, their defenses are built mainly toward fighting demons. And they know all their tricks, so the usual advantages they enjoy against other won't be as effective."

Wendy rubbed her head, feeling a migraine coming up. As it stood, she had two terrible options: either she let her families murderer walk free to continue to bedevil her...or she fought a long, costly, bloody, unpopular war...

Wendy sighed. "I don't like this...but what choice do I have?"

**BOOM!**

Everyone turned around and saw Dipper Pines burst into the war room. "(Pant) I...(gasp)...The answer!(wheeze)."

"Goodness, boy! Did you get hit by a wagon!?" Asked Alan concerned. Indeed, Dipper did look terrible. He had heavy bags under his eyes, said eyes were blood shot, and he was covered in ink.

Dipper ignored him. "Okay...it took awhile, many sleepless nights...but I think I know how you can beat Hairstreak!" He shouts triumphantly as he lays out several old books and parchments.

Wendy frowns. "Uh, Dipper that's nice and all but I don't really have time for-

"What? No!" Interrupts Dipper quickly. "Look, I get that you don't think much of me. That to you I'm just a kid...but please...give me this chance to prove myself to you. If you don't like it, I'll leave and won't bother you anymore...just...just hear me out at least?" He asked desperately.

Wendy sighed. "...Why not? It's not like I have anything to lose at this point." She admitted in defeat.

Choosing to ignore the depressing undertones, and seizing upon the permission. Dipper began to work his 'magic'.

"Okay, it was a bit difficult since Beleth's been in charge for so long and Faeries of the light don't have much books related to demons-

He then drops a large, sinister looking book onto the table. -But this book showed me everything I needed to know about the privileges of new rulers of Hael! And-

"Wait, is that demonica necro-nomiconis?" Asked the painted Lady suddenly pointing at the book Dipper had brought out. "I thought the only known copy was being protected by the church! Where'd you get that?" She asked in disbelief.

Dipper coughed nervously. "I...borrowed it." He lied lamely.

Wendy just looked at him in amazed disbelief. "You-

"Moving on." Interrupted Dipper quickly. "So, as the new ruler you have the authority to revoke all the demon contracts established during the old regime."

Wendy looked at this thoughtful. "Okay...that's interesting...but how dose that help us?" She asked confused.

Dipper smirked. "Because of this!" He whips out a stand and puts a chart on it. "After extensive research I found that 55% of all legal Dark Farie businesses are completely dependent on demon contracts in one form or another, it goes up to 65% when you count all legal businesses that are only semi-dependent on demon contracts."

Dipper then brought up a second chart. "But illegal businesses are where demons are really important! 75% of all illegal businesses are completely dependent on demon contracts! 95% if you count the Semi-dependent ones! And since Faeries of the Night legal businesses get 85% of their revenue from the illegal businesses-

-We can cripple if not outright sink their entire economy!" Finished Alan amazed.

"Wait...seriously?" Asked Wendy amazed. The Painted Woman however frowned. "That sounds too good to be true...their has to be a catch."

Dipper nodded. "Well, technically yes. but I think we can actually use it to our advantage!"

Wendy quirked an eyebrow. "How so?" She asked inquisitively.

"Well, although you can cancel all the contracts; unless you have a genuinely good reason for doing so- And before you ask; demon law no longer considers 'sticking it to a person you hate' as a good reason."

"Dang it." Stated Wendy.

Dipper nodded. "Yeah, apparently they had to disallow it after the Cthulhu v.s. State of Devastation trial. But that's not important! Although without a genuine reason you'll have to eventually have to renew the contract...but the only limitation I've found for 'eventually' in demon law is that it has to be before you die!"

"And since as a faerie she has a long lifespan-" Began Alan. "-She can postpone the negotiation for years if she wants!" Finished The Painted Lady excitedly.

"Wait, okay. You've all lost me...why is that a good thing?" Asked Wendy confused.

"It mean you have all the leverage during the negotiations! They need the demons fast! You have all the time in the world...basically you'll have their economy by the short and curlies." Stated Dipper simply.

Wendy simply stared at the boy who not too long ago she'd just dismissed as just a kid...not knowing what to say...

Then Dipper's smile got malicious. "And if you REALLY want to twist the knife...I already know just the guy to put in charge of the negotiations..."

...one week later...

"Hurry up Chalkhill! The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get the glue factory back up and running!" Shouted Brimstone grouchily as they were lead to where the royal family representative was waiting to negotiate.

It had been a whole week since all his demons vanished and his contracts burst into flames...a whole week since his country started going downhill. It hadn't occurred to Brimstone before now just how dependent they'd gotten on having demons do all their work(He suspected that Beleth had a hand in it, how better to pave the way for his takeover of Halekind?).

After all; they were cheap(provided you don't mind blood, corpses, and murdering the innocent), they were powerful, you could trust them to do sensitive matters of an unsavory nature, they mystically bound not to reveal their masters secrets(except to Beleth of course). All and all, the perfect work force...until someone rips them all away at once that is.

Apparently, even Hairstreak was hurting! Which really wasn't surprising, the bulk of his wealth, land, and titles were invested heavily into various demon contracts, deal, debts, and power-brokers...which were now all worthless. In Hairstreaks defense it was sound business move that most upper crust dark Faerie's do..or it was sound until last week anyway...

"You really think it's going to be that easy?" Asked Chalkhill skeptically. Brimstone chuckled. "My old friend, this 'Empress' talks a big game, had a few lucky breaks...but she's just a child. I, on the other hand have centuries of experience brokering deals between powerful lords of both earth and the inferno...suffice it to say you and me shall be sipping baby seal blood by the pool richer then ever before the day is out." Said Brimstone smugly as they were lead into the representatives office.

Grunkle Stan smiled at them from his new desk. "Okay boys...shall we begin?"

If anyone asked if a chill went down their spine at that point, both Brimstone and Chalkhill would of course lie and say no...

…...  
TO BE CONTINUED?

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	5. Chapter 5

Gravity War Chronicles ch. 5

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...…...

"BANKRUPT!? HOW COULD YOU BOTH BE BANKRUPT!?" Shouted an irate Hairstreak at Brimstone and Chalkhill.

Brimstone gulped. "The Demon Diaspora hit us hard like everyone else." Brimstone lied skillfully. Both he and Chalkhill had agreed that this was less embarrassing than admitting that a HUMAN had swindled them out of house and hovel(No, literally he took away their hovel... He literally took away their 'ownership' of the gutter they'd been forced to sleep in! Who dose that!?).

Hairstreak groaned as he looked around the room to all of his closest allies...a week ago they'd been some of the most wealthiest and influential men in the kingdom of the night- Perhaps all the realm...and now all of them were either bankrupt or close to it...

In fact, the only reason why he was better off than them(which wasn't really by much, if he was being honest with himself) was because of the taxes he received as Lord of the night kingdom...and between his weakening power and rise of tax-dodging(even for Kingdom of the Night standards the amount was staggering)...even that source of revenue would dry up soon...

Hairstreak was a dignified, confident, refined Faerie...but for the first time ever he was very tempted to throw a tantrum just to vent his rage...but then it passed as he resolved to simply hunt some servants for sport later...

He turned to his allies. "Report, how is the kingdom?" He stated.

Plutos; the CEO of the largest consortium of Dark Kingdom banks... Shuffled his papers nervously.

Things were going down fast...investor confidence had plummeted, many of his clients were trying to sue him since most of their 'demon' assets became useless on his banks watch (Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem...except that he could no longer pay for good legal protection...and the fact that many of his clients were prosecutors and Judges...did not help matters), many more were closing their accounts with him altogether...which was problematic, since the only one's who could open the vaults were the demons he'd hired to build them...who were no longer in his service...which led to even more lawsuits...

"Well...all other banks in the kingdom have gone belly up...giving me an undisputed monopoly on all banks!" He shouted, desperately trying to save face.

"Didn't you have to shut down all your banks but one?" Asked Chalkhill.

Plutos sweated. "Well...technically, yes...but it's the only bank left in the kingdom!..so, I DO technically have a monopoly." He admitted weakly.

Hairstreak fumed as he turned to Pazzi; one of the Kingdom of Dark's most powerful merchants-

His news was even worse! With no demons to crew them, most Dark Kingdom merchants had to sell all their ships to make ends meet. With the recent economic collapse, more and more trade ships were avoiding the Dark Kingdom! Which not only hurt legitimate revenue, but illegitimate revenue as well(privateers can't raid ships that aren't there after all).

Everyone else more or less gave bad news; Dark Kingdom companies companies greatly outsourcing to the Light kingdom, troops defecting in mass to the rising power that was the Light Kingdom, entire districts of Dark faeries immigrating to greener pastures(mostly light Kingdom)...it was a mess...

_How did this happen?_ Wondered Hairstreak. A week ago he was top of the world! True, Wendy had dodged his attempt to usurp her- But he hadn't been too worried about that. Faerie society was by large; male-dominant...there were so many ways to destroy her legitimacy(to fact her 'husband' was just a puny, human boy didn't hurt), he hadn't been worried...it would take longer, sure. But he could wait a few years...

But not anymore! As things were going now; few years would be too late! Not only would he probably a penniless Lord in a kingdom of beggars...but female or not, her legitimacy would be assured! Who'd be willing to slander an Empress who held all the purse-strings? Tradition was one thing, but money was money!

Nope, their was no way around it. He's usually strategy of 'playing the long game' wasn't going to cut it here! He couldn't afford to wait for an opportunity to exploit, he needed to make his own, and he needed it now!...which was so outside his usual MO...he was at a loss as to what to do.

**Hmmmm...perhaps I can be of assistance?**

Hairstreak and his men turned to the sound of the voice...and screamed like little girls...

The horrific eldritch abomination that now stood before them merely chuckled and doffed his hat.

**Slenderman; at your service. And I believe I have a plan that can 'remedy' your current crisis...**

...Omake...

Stan rubbed his hands excited outside one of the Dark kingdoms most prominent banks. "I can't believe I get to be a miserable bastard AND a good uncle at the same time! Happy days are here again!"

He quickly goes inside-

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BANK IS OUT OF MONEY!?" He covertly shouts from one side of the bank.

"INSOLVENT!?" He shouts from another.

"YOU ONLY HAVE ENOUGH CASH FOR THE NEXT THREE CUSTOMERS!?" He also shouts for good measure.

Wasn't long before a mob is storming the tellers.

"Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! Just a second here!" Shouts the panicky manager. "I don't have your money here! It's in...uh...Bill's house! And...Fred's house!" He lied lamely.

"HEY, WHAT THE HELL IS MY MONEY DOING IN YOUR HOUSE FRED!?" Shouts a customer as he violently assaults Fred. This quickly devolves into an all-out brawl.

Stan laughs as he leaves unseen...and effortlessly repeats this with several dozen other banks...

Needless to say...this did NOT help the Dark Kingdom's economic problems...

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

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